A: I have decided that, in order to reach a higher plane of existence, I shall practice complete and total self-denial from this moment forward.
B: What higher plane of existence do you hope to achieve? And how can you practice complete self-denial? There is no such thing as complete self-denial.
A: To whom are you talking?
B: Uh... To you?
A: To whom are you talking?
B: Is there something wrong? Can you not hear me?
A: It is strange how you are talking into thin air. There is no one here but you, yet you still talk.
B: Are you kidding me? Is this how you practice self-denial?
A: You should seek help, as you are talking to yourself.
B: I'm talking to you. You obviously hear what I am saying, since you are commenting on the fact that I am talking.
A: It’s as if... Yes, you appear to actually believe someone is responding to your words. Do you truly think you are talking to someone?
B: Yes, I’m talking to you. You’re asking me questions, and I’m responding, but then you act like I’m talking to no one because you’re pretending you don’t exist. But how could you be asking me questions if you don’t exist?
A: Poor, poor man. You are rambling on about some other person asking you questions, and yet there is no one here to hear you or help you.
B: Not only are you here, you are also talking. If you weren't here and weren’t talking, how could I be so accurately responding to what you are saying?
A: It's very odd how your words almost seem to be a response to the thoughts of the cosmic ether.
B: That's because my words are a response to you talking to me.
A: It is as if in your warped mind you are holding a conversation with a real person who is talking to you. And that conversation, due to grand cosmic coincidence, happens to coincide with the non-existent thoughts of the non-existent cosmic ether.
B: It's not me who is warped! It's you. Look, I'm not talking to myself, I'm talking to you. I'm responding to you.
A: If an omnipresent third party could somehow hear both your rambling, incoherent mutterings as well as the ethereal and mystical thoughts of the grand, cosmic ether, to that omniscient third party it would appear that an actual conversation was taking place.
B: That’s because a conversation is, in fact, taking place. A somewhat one-sided conversation, I’ll admit, but that’s only because you won’t directly respond to me.
A: But that omniscient third party would be fooled. That omniscient third party would merely be witnessing the ravings of a lunatic juxtaposed with the pitying observations of the non-existent cosmic ether, in such a way so as to look like the raving lunatic could actually hear the non-existent thoughts of the cosmic ether.
B: You are the raving lunatic.
A: But since it is impossible for someone to hear the non-existent thoughts of the cosmic ether, the raving lunatic couldn’t possibly actually hear those thoughts, and so must be a raving lunatic. Also, since it is impossible for someone to hear the non-existent thoughts of the cosmic ether than there also couldn’t be am omniscient third-party observer, so at least the confusion is avoided.
B: I’m not a raving lunatic!
A: Oh, how the non-existent cosmic ether pities this poor, raving lunatic. For what else proves a man a raving lunatic more than what that man stands alone and shouts that he is not a raving lunatic. Hopefully no others aside from the non-existent cosmic ether will witness this raving lunatic declare his own sanity, thus proving the opposite.
B: Look, if you’d just respond directly to me instead of pretending I’m talking to myself, we could actually come to some understanding. I’m not just rambling incoherently, I am responding to everything you say.
A: If only you truly could here the thoughts of the non-existent cosmic ether, than perhaps there could be some comfort to you. But, no, instead you will have to go on having an insane conversation with yourself that just happens to sound exactly like a sane conversation would sound if you were able to hear the thoughts of the non-existent cosmic ether.
B: Look, just suppose for a moment that I truly am a raving lunatic talking to myself, and that my rambling, random words do happen to form into the exact words that a non-raving-lunatic would say if he were actually able to hear the words of the non-existent ether, okay?
A: Ah, how sad. The raving lunatic is attempting to reason with the non-existent cosmic ether as if he could actually hold a conversation with it.
B: Damn it, I’m not… Okay, I’m not going to let you rile me. I’m just going to continue. Like I was saying, suppose you are correct, and I can’t actually hear the ether...
A: Which you definitely can’t.
B: So if I can’t hear… Wait a minute, you just responded to me! You just directly responded to something I said! You admit that I can hear you?
A: Ah, it amuses the non-existent cosmic ether how this raving lunatic happens to act like the non-existent cosmic ether spoke directly to him, right after the non-existent cosmic ether actually did speak directly to him. Of course, the raving lunatic can’t actually hear the non-existent cosmic ether speaking directly to him, the cosmic ether merely spoke as if it were speaking directly to the raving lunatic for the cosmic ether’s own amusement, and the raving lunatic’s lunatic ravings just happened to coincidentally be the words that would be spoken by a non-raving-lunatic if the non-raving-lunatic could hear the non-existent cosmic ether. This amuses the non-existent cosmic ether even more. The amusement of the non-existent cosmic ether is very complex, being that the non-existent cosmic ether is non-existent cosmic ether.
B: I am not a raving lunatic!
A: Once again, the self-denying declaration of sanity.
B: Oh, damn it, you did it to me again. Back to what I was saying, which is supposing I can’t actually hear what you are saying...
A: You can’t.
B: Supposing I can’t, yet I still happen to rave in such a way that my words correspond perfectly to the words of a non-raving-lunatic who can hear the non-existent cosmic ether...
A: Ah, it is so strange and coincidental and amusing how they do.
B: Than what is the difference between a non-raving-lunatic and a raving lunatic? How can even the non-existent cosmic ether know that I am not actually a sane individual having a conversation with the non-existent cosmic ether?
A: Oh, this is so sad. If only this raving lunatic could hear the non-existent cosmic ether than the non-existent cosmic ether would explain that it is impossible to hear the non-existent cosmic ether and therefore he is definitely a raving lunatic.
B: How can anyone tell who is and who is not a raving lunatic? How can anyone tell if he himself is not a raving lunatic?
A: Alas. It’s probably better for this poor raving lunatic that he doesn’t ever realize he is a raving lunatic, so it is for the best that he can’t hear the non-existent cosmic ether explain it.
B: Every conversation I’ve ever had might have just been my lunatic ravings to no one. Do raving lunatic realize they’re raving lunatics? Or do they think they are talking to other people when they rave at nothing?
A: But, of course, if he could hear the non-existent cosmic ether explain that he is a raving lunatic than he wouldn’t actually be a raving lunatic, since he’d be able to hear the non-existent cosmic ether. An amusing paradox. But, since he can’t hear the non-existent cosmic ether, of course, he is a raving lunatic.
B: Is anything said by anyone anywhere not the ravings of a lunatic?
A: In any case, he probably doesn’t even know what he is saying. To him, the poor raving lunatic, the noises coming out of his mouth are nothing but random nonsensical syllables, and due to grand cosmic coincidence those random syllables happen to sound like real words, and due to grand cosmic coincidence those real words happen to form into complete sentences, and due to grand cosmic coincidence those complete sentences happen to make up one side of a dialogue, and due to grand cosmic coincidence that one side of dialogue is the same as the one side of dialogue would be if it were spoken by a sane individual who could hear the thoughts of the non-existent cosmic ether.
B: Yes, it is true.
A: Ah, how ineffable is the grand cosmic coincidence of the universe.
[THE END]
