August 2004 Archives

While at Book People with my girlfriend I noticed a new instruction manual improperly placed in the humor section, The Zombie Survival Guide. Before I had a chance to read through it my girlfriend managed to steer me safely away into the nearby classics section where I found myself distracted by some excellent Nabakov. Okay, just kidding... I don't want to make my girlfriend sound like she has something against my lunatic obsessions. In fact, in an effort to induldge me, she suggested I purchase the zombie guide, but I decided it could wait as I had already loaded up on discount fiction. Plus, stuff about zombies scares me.

Interestingly (interestingly to me, that is), I'm actually working on a short story about zombie survival, though my story is not a how-to guide, but rather about someone so obsessed with zombies that he doesn't notice the zombie-like routine of everyday life. Or something like that. It'll be less banal sounding in story form, hopefully.

There are two new plog entries for your mocking pleasure.

Master Circle: Greetings proselytes. It brings me great joy to see us all gathered here tonight for the completion of our ecstatic ascension.

Proselyte Square: Greetings, Master Circle!

Proselyte Triangle: Greetings, Master Circle!

Lisa: [Whispering to Proselyte Triangle.] Uh... Is this not the Weehawken Library Singles-Only Book Club?

Proselyte Triangle: [To Lisa.] Shhh!

Master Circle: Let us prepare ourselves for the coming ecstatic ascension through the ancient ritual preparation ceremony.

[Proselyte Square pours wine into Master Circle's cupped hands and drinks.]

Proselyte Square: I, Proselyte Square, drink from the flowing cup that is Master Circle.

[Proselyte Triangle repeats the same ceremony.]

Proselyte Triangle: I, Proselyte Triangle, drink from the flowing cup that is Master Circle.

[Everyone looks to Lisa. Proselyte Triangle shoves her to the front.]

Lisa: Uh... Hello? I'm Lisa.

Master Circle: We use our full proselyte names here.

Lisa: I think I'm in the wrong...

Master Circle: Full proselyte name!

Lisa: Lisa Point.

Master Circle: Proselyte Point. Do you not know the ancient ritual preparation ceremony for the coming ecstatic ascension?

Lisa: Look, I really think there's been a misunderstanding. I was looking for the Weehawken Library Singles-Only Book Club.

Master Circle: The Weehawken Library Singles-Only Book Club?

Lisa: I brought my copy of "Seabiscuit".

Master Circle: Proselyte Point, will you drink from the flowing cup that is Master Circle?

Lisa: I though the story of "Seabiscuit" was interesting, but overall I didn't find the writing that compelling.

Master Circle: The wine. Drink the wine.

Lisa: [Turning to Proselyte Triangle.] I mean, Triangle, seriously, did you get that much out of the race against War Admiral? It was climactic, I guess, but it wasn't what you'd call an ecstatic ascension, if you know what I mean.

Proselyte Triangle: Uh... I... uh, don't know. I mean, no, I guess not.

Lisa: No, totally not. Exactly.

Master Circle: Are you going to drink the wine?

Lisa: [To Master Circle.] No thanks, I've got to drive after this. [To Proselyte Triangle.] Yeah, so you and I are on the same page. I mean, the climax wasn't even a climax. The story just kept continuing after what was supposed to be the defining moment. It was hard to keep caring.

Proselyte Triangle: Umm... Yes. Sure, yes. It's like after you drink from the cup of Master Circle in the ancient ritual preparation ceremony for the coming ecstatic ascension, and yet the ecstatic ascension never comes. It never comes!

Lisa: Yeah, exactly. I mean, do I really want to keep reading the book after that?

Proselyte Triangle: No! No you don't!

Lisa: No is right. [To Proselyte Square.] And, Square, let me tell you, sometimes it just got boring. It was decently written, but often the details were unnecessary, or, even worse, undramatic.

Proselyte Square: What?

Lisa: You know what I mean. That's the problem with non-fiction. If you're telling the truth you can't polish it to a dramatic finish.

Proselyte Square: Because reality isn't always perfect?

Lisa: Exactly! Instead of everything being exciting highs or desperate lows, you've got details that are slow and boring, you've got moments when the characters you care most about turn out to be playing bit parts. And, unfortunately, while that doesn't necessarily make the best story, that's reality.

Proselyte Square: But it's okay to feel minimized at times?

Lisa: Well, sure, in life it is. But not necessarily in a book that I've devoted so much time and effort to getting through.

Proselyte Square: Yes. Yes! You're right!

Master Circle: Proselyte Point! Just what do you think you're doing?

Lisa: I'm just discussing the book. Isn't that what we're here for? Discussion?

Master Circle: There will be no discussion!

Lisa: Well, what's the point if there's no discussion? Sure, I know in some book clubs they just sit around and drink wine and gossip about trivialities, but is that what we really want? Is the Weehawken Library Singles-Only Book Club going to sink so low? Don't we want to aspire to a higher intellectual state where we encourage and facilitate discussion?

Master Circle: Yes, that is exactly what we want. We want to achieve the ecstatic ascension and reach a higher intellectual state.

Lisa: Well, great then. We can do that right here. Just because we're a bunch of thirty-something singles doesn't mean we can't participate in stimulating discussions.

Master Circle: But...

Lisa: Just the fact that we've all gathered here shows that we have a higher intellectual state. It's not like we need to die and go to heaven to have a decent conversation, right? Ha!

Master Circle: We don't need to die and go to heaven?

Lisa: Exactly, you get me. Just because we're single and maybe a little lonely doesn't mean we can't improve ourselves. Let's just sit around and chat about "Seabicuit" in both an intellectual and friendly manner and see what we can't get out of it.

Master Circle: Uh, sure. Okay.

Lisa: So what did you think about it?

Master Circle: Well, actually, I found it kind of hard to really care that much about a horse.

Proselyte Square: Totally.

Proselyte Triangle: It's hard to believe people got so worked up over a race like that.

Lisa: You know what? I think I will have a glass of that wine after all.

[THE END]

While I'd love to take credit for this very amusing list, I can't, because I didn't write it. But I can take credit for bringing it to your attention. You're welcome.

Feel better?

As soon as I saved that stupid "Cross Out Your Birth Month" entry I started to question it. Why would I do something like that? Because other blogs are doing it? I hate other blogs. Now I've gone and linked myself to them, both metaphorically and literally, in this meme-blog-event-thing, and I've inadvertantly become a "part" of the blogging "community". (I can't possibly put enough sarcastic sounding quotes around those terms.) Do we all think we're clever because we're spreading the equivilant of an e-mail chain letter? (Note: I suppose e-mail chain letters are the equvilant of regular mail chain letters, but, seriously, who even remembers those anymore?) It cheapens my whole blog, which, as anyone can tell you, is already very, very cheap. Cheap and proud of it.

Plus I've gone and revealed personal information about myself. Yes, it's information conveyed through the non-negation of a mundane birth month characteristic list, but it is still the sort of thing I don't want to be doing. (Not because I have a problem sharing personal information, but, rather, because it upsets the whole public/anonymous balance of the blog universe.) This sort of slip-up is what happens when you spend all day on a conference call with the phone muted.

What? You think my parenthetical comment in the previous paragraph contradicts what I said in the first paragraph? Do you? Huh? Well, it doesn't! I can both hate, not want to, and belong to the blog community at the same time.

I blame joshmag.com, a blog I both respect and emulate, because he did it first.

april:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

It's budget month in corporate America, or, at least, in my slice of corporate America. This means, for those of you unfamiliar with the concept, that I'm spending every day staring at tiny numbers on a spreadsheet trying to make them look convincing, or, failing that, at least pretty. The goal of budget planning, of course, is to submit a budget just a little bit higher than you actually need (because you have to give accounting something to cut) without making it too high (because then they'll just laugh at you and cut everything).

Here is a step-by-step guide for middle management planning of a yearly budget.

Step 1: Ask your boss what your target spending number should be for next year. Your boss already knows this number. Your boss will not tell you this number. You are asking for the same reason people play the lottery, those reasons being (a) you believe in miracles and (b) you can't do complex math. That first reason will help you as you struggle to do your budget without the much-needed input from your boss. The second will not.

Step 2: Plan out everything your team is going to do next year. Since the budget has to be submitted three months before your company plans the actual goals for next year, this is impossible. Mainly, it involves waving your hands in the air frantically. Much of the budget planning process involves waving your hands in the air frantically, and, therefore, the act of waving your hands in the air frantically will henceforth be referred to as WYHITAF.

Step 3: Get last year's planning spreadsheets. If you've been doing this for more than a year then you've hopefully kept all the spreadsheets you created last time. Throw these spreadsheets away. These spreadsheets mean nothing, because your actual approved budget had nothing to do with what you submitted as your requested budget. However, looking at them briefly will serve as a reminder that you somehow survived before and this will give you hopes of surviving again. If you didn't keep last year's planning spreadsheets or if you didn't do this last year, commence WYHITAVVF (waving your hands in the air very, very frantically.)

Step 4: Look at this year's official approved budget, which is in no way similar to what you submitted as your requested budget, but will be enormously helpful in planning next year's budget. Oh, wait, no one ever gave you your official approved budget. You've simply been crossing your fingers all year hoping you don't go above it. Sigh. Hope you haven't gone above this year's budget.

Step 5: Look at your "actuals". If you have a semi-competent accounting department, they'll have provided a spreadsheet showing you what you've spent so far this year. If you have a semi-competent accounting department they'll give this to you in the form of a blurrily faxed hardcopy with miniscule print. They do this because it is their job.

Step 5b: Spend the next week tracking down all the erroneous expenses that have somehow been charged to your department.

Step 5c: Assuming you're not completely changing the size or responsibilities of your team, it's reasonable to assume that you can plan next year's budget by looking at what you've spent this year. (If you ARE completely changing the size or responsibilities of your team, commence WYHITAVVF and skip to Step 6.) Copy everything you can from the "actuals" spreadsheet into next year's spreadsheet. Multiple everything by 1.25, unless you boss has told you that next year you'll need to cut expenses, in which case multiply everything by only 1.15.

Step 6: The spreadsheet still isn't nearly complete, even after Step 5c, because the format has changed enough (as it does every year) that you can't make use of all your "actuals", plus the numbers accounting gave you were not complete to begin with. Stare at your spreadsheet for a few days. WYHITAF and make the rest up.

Step 7: Submit.

Step 8: Wait for your boss to tell you the answer to the question you asked in Step 1. Revise all your numbers accordingly.

Step 9: Resubmit.

Step 10: Find out 8 months later that you are over your budget because what you submitted the previous year was cut and no one ever told you about it.

[Prometheus is chained to a rock. A vulture is eating his exposed liver.]

Prometheus: Oh, the torment it is to be me! Look how I have been repaid for my blessings to humanity! Chained to a rock for all eternity!

Vulture: Yeah, yeah. You've been whining about this for thousands of years now. Give it a rest.

Prometheus: Excuse me?

Vulture: I said to give it a rest. I'm sick of hearing you complain about your endless torment.

Prometheus: Well, it is quite endless, you have to admit.

Vulture: Sure, that's the whole point of endless torment. But are you making it any better by constantly moaning?

Prometheus: No, I suppose not, but... You can talk?

Vulture: Yes, obviously. Unlike some people, however, I keep my problems to myself once in a while.

Prometheus: What problems?

Vulture: Well, your liver, for one thing. Do you think I enjoy eating the same liver every day? No. Besides, I'm a vulture, I prefer to eat carrion. But you, unfortunately, are most definitely living.

Prometheus: I sort of figured the liver of a living creature would be a kind of gourmet meal for you.

Vulture: Well, it's not.

Prometheus: So, really, all this time you've been able to talk?

Vulture: Yes.

Prometheus: And it's taken you thousands of years to say something.

Vulture: I finally hit my breaking point.

Promethues: Monks would be humbled by your extreme patience.

Vulture: Everyone is always talking about the eternal punishment poor old Prometheus gets for stealing fire and giving it to the humans, but no one ever talks about me, unless it's to talk about how much your punishment sucks.

Prometheus: So you're being punished too?

Vulture: Yes. Forced to peck at your stinking liver for all eternity.

Prometheus: Wow. I never even considered it. What did you do to deserve such a punishment?

Vulture: I stole bread from the heavens and gave it to the humans.

Prometheus: You did?

Vulture: Yes. And while I realize fire is really great and everything, bread is pretty darn important too. You know how hard it is to make bread? You put yeast and flour and water together and knead it and let it rise and cook it and let it rise again and cook it again... You think someone just came up with that on their own? No. I taught them how to do it. And bread, let me tell you, has been pretty damn important to the human race.

Prometheus: I never heard that myth about a vulture bringing bread.

Vulture: I know, I know. It makes my punishment all the harder. I don't even get credit.

Prometheus: Honestly, I'm a little skeptical. Why would a vulture even care about bread? You said yourself that you prefer carrion.

Vulture: That's why I gave the recipe away. I didn't really want it in the first place.

Prometheus: I don't know.

[The vulture gets pissed off and pecks at Prometheus' liver even harder than usual.]

Prometheus: Ow! Ow! Okay, fine! I believe you.

Vulture: No one ever stops to question the supporting characters of history. The bit parts get overlooked. Maybe that "woman with coffee" inspired the Mona Lisa. Maybe that tree in the scenery was the one that dropped the apple on Newton's head. Maybe that man in the corner is somebody's father. You ever think of that? Those trivialized extras have stories of their own. We are important to the world, too! We have something to say! We have had our own impact on the universe!

[Pause, as Prometheus thinks about the vast implications of what the vulture has said.]

Prometheus: You really stole bread from the heavens? Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, I believe you already!

THE END

[This entry was formerly a link to an image of the Sour Patch Watermelons logo (two smiling multi-colored waltermelon slices), but apparently that image no longer exists online. Now this entry is merely a description of its former self, which I find strangely soothing, and, in the end, more pleasing than the original entry. Mmmmmm indeed!]

[Comments have been left unaltered from their previously altered state.]

There's this new comic strip called "Prickly City" which is intended to provide a conservative "rebuttal to the likes of Doonesbury and The Boondocks". As far as syndicated comic strips go it is mildy decent though mostly uninteresting, which describes about 49% of comic strips (50% being treacly flapdoodle, and the remaining 1% being okay.) I have no issue with a conservative themed comic strip (though "Prickly City" does seem like it is trying a little too hard to stick to the party line). My concern is that the comic's main conservative viewpoint is espoused by a young African American girl, while the author is most definitely white. I have no problem with a white cartoonist penning a black character, but it seems a little bit disingenuous for Scott Stantis to push an agenda in this way. Am I being overly sensitive? Perhaps most comics in the 'liberal media' are pushing liberal agendas in the same manner. I suppose Berkeley Breathed, author of "Bloom County", used an impoverished African American girl to preach what can only be called an extreme liberal viewpoint (they lived in a commune, for goodness sakes). Yet for some reason this seems different to me.

By popular request...

1) High fiving (also, similarly, knocking fists)

2) Discussing zombies, zombie movies, or other zombie related topics

3) Watching poker-oriented television shows

4) Playing "Snood" while I am talking to her on the phone

5) Using the word "smooch" or any of its grammatically-suspect conjugates

That's it. I'm sorry if this list isn't as naughty as all you dirty-minded readers thought it would be. Frankly, I'm not sure what you were expecting.

1) Cartoons

2) Naps

3) My parents

4) Breakfast cereal

5) Biting people (as in "the act of biting other people" not "people who bite") (not that I do this very often these days, but I do appreciate it)

That's it. Everything else I either always appreciated, never appreciated, used to appreciate then stopped appreciating but never started appreciating again, or didn't ever appreciate before starting to appreciate.

1) Well-written, brilliantly-acted independent films about an ignoble yet sympathetic anti-hero's slow descent to rock bottom due to uncontrollable drinking or gambling.

2) Jerry Orbach

3) Google. I mean, I still use it, but, really, I just don't appreciate it anymore.

4) Expensive modernized versions of old-fashioned furniture, available at a Pottery Barn or Restoration Hardware near you.

5) Linen shirts

6) Topical and/or literary allusions in overly-clever, laboriously-enunciated essay-style "reports" on NPR.

7) Blogs. Okay, I guess I NEVER appreciated blogs.

8) Crème Brule. I'm sick of it. I suppose it might just speak to the sort of restaurants where I dine now compared to the restaurants at which I used to dine, but it seems like everybody serves Crème Brule these days. And I don't like it anymore.

9) MasterCard "Priceless" ads.

That's it. Those are all the things that I used to appreciate and now don't. Everything else I either still appreciate or never appreciated.

Bitten by Radioactive Elephant:
Superpowers
- Super-memory
- Super-strength
Weakness
- Hard to find parking

Bitten by Radioactive Turtle:
Superpowers
- The ability to harden skin into a protective shell-like covering.
- Super-speed, but ironically.
Weakness
- Large mortgage

Bitten by Radioactive Monkey:
Superpowers
- Ability to use opposable thumbs.
- Ability to communicate through rudimentary signs and grunts
Weakness
- Dead-end job that slowly leads to drinking problem

Bitten by Radioactive Sea-monkey:
Superpowers
- Ability to shrink to microscopic size and then do nothing such that others doubt whether the resulting tiny speck is an actual living creature or just a floating piece of lint
Weakness
- Will die if shaken

Bitten by Radioactive Rock:
Superpowers
- Can smash scissors
Weakness
- Vulnerable to paper

Bitten by Radioactive Spider:
Superpowers
- Ability to climb walls
- Ability to shoot webs
Weakness
- Imminent copyright infringement lawsuit

Bitten by Radioactive Bald Eagle:
Superpowers
- Flight
- The "Eagle Eye" ©
- Super-patriotism
Weakness
- Bald

Bitten by Hive of Radioactive Bees:
Superpowers
- Ability to control bees
- Ability to convey exact location of a distant flower through an intricate dance
Weakness
- Ennui

Bitten by Radioactive Worm:
Superpowers
- Super-digging
Weakness
- When cut in half, will regenerate into two copies of self, one good and one evil. Evil self will perpetrate a string of murderous and diabolical acts, turning the confused but irate public against good self. At the culmination of an epic battle ranging six years, four continents, and three hit summer movies, good self will be forced to finally kill evil self, but the philosophical implications of such an act will leave good self wracked with regret and doubt.
- Birds

Bitten by Radioactive Human:
Super-powers
- Ability to walk upright
- Super-ego
- Ability to wage holy war against enemies
Weakness
- Guilt

I stumbled across an article about Jára Cimrman, a fictitious Czech anti-hero "credited" with multiple inventions (the light bulb, the telephone, etc.) and various philosophical theories. For thirty years two writers have been documenting Cimrman in plays and movies, and there is a Czech theater troupe that performs plays about him (and, theoretically, "by" him). Since I don't expect to learn the language and travel to the Czech Republic, perhaps instead I will track down the movie about him, which, hopefully, will be subtitled.

We're not really ADA compliant yet, but I did change the style sheet to use relative font sizing rather than absolute font sizing. Now if you don't like my tiny font you can use your browser's text size feature to adjust it. This is espeically useful if you're trying to read something in the fiction section. Personally, I like tiny font sizes, because text-as-content is ugly, and if you shrink it down really small it sort of loses its capacity to convey meaning and therefore serves no purpose and therefore becomes "art".

Future enhancements:
1) Fix site to work on Safari and Opera and those other lame non-Internet Explorer browsers. Apparently, on other browsers the main body column does not center properly and instead appears left-justified.
2) Adjust site so that it can be viewed on a 640 by 480 monitor. Why? Because that's the nice accessible thing to do.
3) Convert entire site to VRML. Ha ha ha. Just kidding.

Dave Eggers' newest novel, The Unforbidden Is Compulsory, Or, Optimism, is being serialized on Salon.com. I've read the first three serialzed chapters so far. While I do think it is clever, I haven't yet rendered a complete opinion. They've been running installments since January, so this is old news, but I didn't discover it until now. Anyway, I thought all you clueless Dave Eggers fans out there might like to know.

A friend of mine suggested that I also register the URL "MisplacedModifiers.net". While I am amused by the concept of owning multiple domain names for inane grammatical errors containing two words with the letter 'M', I'm not sure I really have enough content to justify a second website. In fact, I'm fairly sure I don't have enough content to justify a first website.

But, it did inspire a new (particularly bad) Plog entry.

MixedMetaphors.net: Hello, I'm MixedMetaphors.net, a website devoted to mixed metaphors. So surf the web to MixedMetaphors.net!

MisplacedModifiers.net: Hello, I'm MisplacedModifiers.net, a website devoted to misplaced modifiers. I noticed that the phrase 'surf the web' is a misplaced modifier when you were talking.

MixedMetaphors.net: Hey, I never noticed that 'surf the web' is a mixed metaphor! People always say 'surf the web' and they're all blithely using a mixed metaphor. The Internet publicity machine has blinded us all! The wool has been pulled over the bulls horns!

MisplacedModifiers.net: Okay, this play is on its fourth line of dialogue and I've already gotten the joke not even paying close attention.

MixedMetaphors.net: Well, in your attempt to write misplaced modifiers you are saying completely ungrammatical sentences.

MisplacedModifiers.net: Your mixed metaphors are either nonsensical or not even metaphors, such as that last one which was really just mixed terminology but not mixed metaphors eating a sandwich.

MixedMetaphors.net: Oh yeah? Well... Eating a sandwich?

MisplacedModifiers.net: Yes, eating a sandwich.

MixedMetaphors.net: Um. I'm as confused as a puppy trying to talk its way out of a paper bag.

MisplacedModifiers.net: It's the classic misplaced modifier. "A boy sat on a bench eating a sandwich." A bench can't eat a sandwich!

MixedMetaphors.net: That had nothing to do with what you were talking about!

MisplacedModifiers.net: Dude, are you MixedMetaphors.net or EndsSentencesWithPrepositions.net? This is a concept play and I'd appreciate it if you stuck to the proper grammatical errors eating a sandwich.

MixedMetaphors.net: You can't just end a sentence with the phrase 'eating a sandwich' when it turns out that you have no modifiers to misplace! You're simply letting the wind out of the boat!

MisplacedModifiers.net: Well, with no regard for the audience, you're simply making up random phrases instead of mixing real metaphors... Uh... eating a sandwhich.

MixedMetaphors.net: Okay, that was the perfect opportunity to misplace a modifier. You could have said, "Instead of mixing real metaphors you're simply making up random phrases with no regard for the audience." Is it you with no regard for the audience or is it the random phrase that has no regard for the audience? See? Perfect!

MisplacedModifiers.net: Well, you didn't even try to mix a metaphor that time.

MixedMetaphors.net: Maybe I did mix a metaphor and you were just too dense for it to sink in.

EndsSentencesWithPrepositions.net: While I appreciate the fact that you mixed the metaphors of density and sinking, that's the second time you used a preposition to end a sentence on.

MixedMetaphors.net: First of all, who sent you an engraved invitation to this party? Second of all, I didn't end a sentence in a preposition, because in the phrase "sink in" the "in" serves as an adverb, not a preposition.

EndsSentencesWithPrepositions.net: Oh. Well, sorry, I screwed that up.

MixedMetaphors.net: And, just so we're clear as a glass filled with bells on this particular issue, in the phrase "screwed that up" the "up" also serves as an adverb, so that sentence didn't end in a preposition either.

EndsSentencesWithPrepositions.net: Argh!

MixedMetaphors.net: And, I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone, but "Argh" is not a preposition. Face it, you're an outdated rule that no longer applies in all circumstances, you're like a dinosaur on stilts.

MisplacedModifiers.net: ...

MixedMetaphors.net: And, yes, I know that wasn't a mixed metaphor, it was just a crappy metaphor. Maybe I don't FEEL like mixing metaphors right now, okay? Maybe I only SOMETIMES mix metaphors, and sometimes I make crappy metaphors, and sometimes I just talk like a normal human being. I mean, like a normal web site. Or, rather, like a normal whatever it is I'm supposed to be in this ridiculous play.

THE END